Making it public

So we have all made those New Year's resolutions to lose weight, I mean I think that has been mine at least 8 or 9 times and I'm 32.  But this year at Christmas I was at my new heaviest weight ever and I didn't want to be in any pictures or even do anything with my family and friends because I was so ashamed of how much weight I had gained.  So quietly before New Years I told myself this is it.  You have to make it happen.  I knew it was my fault I got so big and it was going to be my job to make it right.  I jumped on the scale and cried a little when I wrote down the number I saw but I said come January 1st we are making a lifestyle change.  I didn't tell anyone this time, I didn't take any before pictures, any body measurements.  I wanted to keep it simple and not put so much pressure on myself to fail.

Well it's May 8th and I've lost 44 pounds.  I have a lot more story to tell about the past few months but I wanted to put myself out there to maybe help others that are trying to make changes in their life and to get inspiration from others.  I finally am having people tell me how great I look and how they can tell I've lost weight.  I see it too, but I don't see that big of a difference.

I've always been active and loved to exercise but I lost my passion the more I gained weight.  My biggest problem with losing weight has been my horrible diet.  I have managed the past 4 plus months to keep myself in check with my eating, not buying the junk food that I want to stuff down my throat right before bed.  It's a daily struggle.  I'm starting my blog now because I'm scared, scared I won't get to my goal weight, scared I'll always see myself as the fat girl I let myself become.  I see myself at the gym and all the skinny girls and wonder if I'll ever get to that point.

I know I should be proud of how far I have come and I am, I have never lost this much weight before and I know that.  But I still am embarrassed I ever got so heavy and hate the looks I still get from the skinny girls at the gym, at the bar, wherever.  Don't they know how hard I have worked to get here.  Don't they know I don't want to be this way and I am trying so hard?